Never fade
by Jessica12
Summary: Follows "Never Part". Can Mulder and Scully find their way back to each other?


Title: Never fade( follows "Never Part" )  
Author: Jessica ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )  
Rating: PG  
Category: MSR, Scully angst, Mulder angst, V  
Feedback: Yes please, j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Spoiler: None  
Archive: Wherever, just let me know where  
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles  
Summary: Follows where "Never part" ended. Can Mulder and   
Scully find their way back to each other?  
Disclaimer: The X-files, Mulder and Scully belong   
to FOX and they are not mine.  
Note: English is not my first language so spelling/grammar   
mistake may occur.  
  
  
I stand at my window watching him drive away.  
I refuse to cry. I will not break down.  
I never give my heart so easy. It took a long time for me  
to let myself love him. I didn't want to admit that I had   
lost my heart once again. But I have.   
I don't know how it happened.   
I opened myself up totally tonight. I gave my heart to him   
and prayed that he would do the same.   
Rejection is a hard thing to take. I never thought it could   
hurt so. He ripped my heart right out of my chest. But I   
could never hate him.   
Maybe I should be content with his friendship.   
Just give me to morning to give up fighting.   
  
I vowed that I would never hurt her. I have just broken that  
promise. I just wanted to die when I saw the pain in her eyes.  
Now when I'm sitting here in the darkness of my living room I   
try to convince myself that I did the right thing.   
But I keep on seeing her face before me. I never thought it  
could hurt so badly. It feels like someone has ripped out   
my heart. I have a hard time breathing.   
I fear that she will hate me for this.   
Everything has changed.  
  
How can he be so cold?  
How can he act like nothing have happened?  
When I arrived this morning he was sitting behind his desk as  
usual. He smiled at me as I arrived and hung of my coat.   
He begun going over a case we had been given. I felt numb in  
his presence. I wanted to reach out and touch him. I could  
still taste him on my lips.   
Am I going mad? Oh, I don't know.   
I sat down in my chair and started to listen to what he had to  
say. But I never really heard what he was saying. My mind   
drifted to the evening before when he had kissed me. I wanted  
to scream out. I wanted to do something. But I knew I had no  
right to. All he did was telling the truth. Mulder, always  
the seeker of truth. That is one thing I love about him. His  
strength. There so much I love about him. His smile. His hands.  
His eyes.   
God, I'm going crazy.  
I know that I have to stop fighting.   
He will never be mine.   
  
  
I wish that my heart wouldn't skip a beat everytime she's near.  
I have tried to drive her out of my heart. I have tried to   
find faults in her character. I have tried to turn away from  
her. I have tried everything that I could come up with. But I   
haven't found a cure yet.   
And as the days pass by I fear that I will never find one.   
  
One month later,   
FBI annual ball  
  
I guess I should have seen it coming. But I kept imagine that  
she would come back to me somehow. I know that is crazy talking.  
But I expected that everything would go back to what it was.   
Maybe it was more than a prayer.  
We have drifted apart. She no longer smiles in my presence.   
It feels like someone has stolen the sun from the sky. She   
no longer comes to me with her problems. She has pushed me away.  
Everything has worked out, as I wanted.   
So why does hurt so?  
  
She was dressed in a black backless dress. Her hair was shining.  
I have never seen her this amazing. She is glowing.   
She is on fire.  
She is standing in the middle of the room talking to Skinner. I want  
to go to her but I'm afraid. I stand in the doorway to the ballroom  
watching her.  
  
I can feel his eyes on me. I know that he's close. I turn around and  
our eyes meet. I shiver as he smiles. I refuse to break down just  
because he smiles. I want to go to him but my heart holds me back. In  
my mind a voice is whispering to remember all the pain he brought me.  
I stand here frozen as he walks towards me. God, he is handsome. He   
is dressed in a tuxedo and he's clean shaved. My hands longs to touch  
him again. I want to be held by him. I want to....  
I push those feelings away as I look into his eyes.   
"May I have this dance, Scully?"  
I want to run as far away as possible from the man that has so much  
power over my heart. But I refuse back down. I will be strong. I will  
show him that I can make it out here without him.  
"Yes."  
He takes my hand and leads me to the dancefloor. I tremble a bit as   
his hand touches the sensitive skin on my back. I don't object when  
he pushes me closer. The band plays a slow ballad. I surrender this   
battle and rest my head against his shoulder. I close my eyes and   
let myself be taken away.  
  
Let death come. Let me be taken away, because I can't take this   
anymore. It feels like my heart is going to explode at any moment.  
I don't know how to stop loving her.   
How can I let go of the only woman I have ever loved?  
I don't know if I can take this. My heart can't take this pain.  
She feels so fragile in my arms. But she fits so perfectly. She feels  
almost weightless in my arms, like I'm holding an angel.   
I wish I could tell her the truth. I want to break free from these   
shackles that holds me down. I want to be loved by her.  
But it's too late now. I will let her out of my heart and set her free.  
Maybe one day not far from now she will come back to me.  
She looks at me and our eyes meet. I want to drown in her.   
She draws me in. I crumble and fall. I thought I was stronger than this.  
I guess I was wrong.  
Maybe this is wrong. I don't know.   
We stop moving at the same time. My body screams out for her. I need   
her. I don't care what's right and proper anymore. All I want to do  
is kill this voice that is screaming in my ear.   
My mind feels blurry as I lean closer and frame her face between my   
hands. Without and hesitation I lean down and brush my lips against hers.  
  
I shiver as he opens my mouth with his tongue. I want to break free  
from his arms but his touch shatter my defensives. I want this.   
Maybe there is a future for us. As he deepens the kiss I let myself  
be taken away by the waves of feelings that washes over me.  
  
I never thought there could be a heaven on earth. But I know the truth  
now. She is like magic in my arms. I thought I could push her out of  
my heart. I know now that is impossible. I need her like the air.   
She is a part of me. I close my eyes and let my senses guide me as I   
let myself go deeper.  
  
Is this heaven or is this hell? He has the power to break my defensives  
with just one touch. Memories come back like flashes of a light  
in my mind. The pain of rejection comes back to haunt me.  
I can hear his voice when he tells me those words that hurt so.   
In my mind a voice is whispering that all of this is just a lie.   
"He really doesn't want you."  
I want to kill that voice in my head. But I can't.   
Fear takes a hold of my heart and break free from his arms.   
His eyes are dark as he looks at me.   
"I just can't."  
Then I turn around and walk away from him.   
  
My mind is all a blur as I watch her go. I can still taste her on my  
lips. My legs feel weak. I want to call out her name but I can't speak.  
I know that I have done it again. I have broken that promise once again.  
I have hurt her. I could see it in her eyes. God, I feel sick when I  
think about it.   
I have to talk to her.   
  
I could feel him before I saw him. I was standing in the hallway   
outside the ballroom with my back turned. He was standing behind me.   
"Scully, I...."  
"You don't have to explain."  
Why can't he just leave me alone?   
" I want to..."  
I turn to him and place my finger against his mouth.  
"Please, don't..."  
I know what he will say. I have heard it all before. I can't take   
another heartache. I just can't. I'm not strong enough.  
He takes my hand away from his mouth and kisses it gently.   
"I have to tell you something."  
"No..."  
I pull away from him, afraid of his touch.  
"What I said that night it was ...."  
"Please, Mulder I beg you. Don't bring that up. I have put it all   
behind me."  
"But I haven't."  
"Just let us just forget that this ever happened. We have done it before.."  
"I can't. Not this time."  
"You have to."  
"I'm in love with you, Scully."  
Pain. Pain. It felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest as he   
said those words I had longed for.   
"You lie."  
"No, Scully. Don't say that."  
I back away from him. I can't take this anymore. I can't take this   
game we play.  
"Stop saying something you don't mean."  
"But it's the truth."  
I can see pain in his eyes. I want to believe him. Believe me, I really  
want to. But all I can hear is that voice that whispers that he   
really doesn't want me.   
"I can't believe you. I won't believe you. You have hurt me so many  
times. I can't take another heartache."  
"I'm so sorry, Scully. I thought I did the right thing."  
"You hurt me that night more than ever thought was possible. Others  
have hurt me. But I never thought you could do that to me."  
"Please, forgive me....."  
I can see tears in his eyes as he reaches out his hand to me.   
"I gave you my heart that night...and you gave me....nothing..."  
Tears caress my cheeks as I look at him. I want to love him. I want  
to run into his arms and let myself be taken away be his love. But  
how can I trust him, again?  
"Scully, I love you...."  
"How can I ever trust something you say ever again?"  
I know that I'm breaking his heart. But I want to hurt him as he has  
hurt me. I want to break him as he has broken me.   
"Scully, please...."  
"No, Mulder...."  
I avoid is touch, turn around and run out of the building.   
  
I can't breathe. The pain makes it harder to move. I know that I have  
to go after her. Tears make my sight blurry. I never thought I could  
survive this pain. I know that she has all the right in the world to  
hate me. But I never thought it could hurt like this.  
I close my eyes and try to find the strength to go on. I will win this.  
I will not back down.  
  
The rain hit me and hit me hard as I came out. I don't know where I'm  
going. But I don't care. All I want is to get away from him.   
Why can't I stop loving him? I want to rip out this foolish heart of  
mine and toss it a side.   
My legs feel weak as I stumble forward. I feel cold. But I don't mind.  
Let death come and take me away. See it I care.   
People pass me on the street without actually seeing me.  
I stumble and fall. I get up on weak legs. I turn around and there he  
is. He is standing just a few meters from me.  
"Scully, come back."  
"Leave me alone!"  
"I can't."  
I run towards him, fists raised. I want to psychically hurt him. I   
slam my fist against his chest. He lets me be.  
"Leave me alone. Damn you, Mulder. Damn you..."  
"I love you."  
"Stop saying that."  
He wraps his arms around me and push me closer. I break free from  
his arms and look at him.  
"It's the truth. I don't know how to prove it to you. I made a mistake  
and I wish there was some magical way I could take it back."  
"How can I trust that you do not wake up one day and walk away from me?  
That you decide that you don't love me anymore. I can't take you leaving  
me. Not again. Not ever. It would kill me."  
"I can't promise you heaven. I can't promise that everything will be  
all right, because I don't know. I just know one thing and that is   
that I love you more than I ever thought was possible. My love for  
you are stronger than I ever have known. It makes me see things   
differently. I love Scully. I need you. I long for you. I...."  
"Stop it! Stop it! Just stop it!!!"  
Tears make my sight blurry. I slam my fist against his chest once  
again. Finally my legs give away and I crumble to the ground.   
He kneels down beside me and looks at me.   
"Please, come in from the cold, Scully. Please let me love you."  
It all comes down to trust. Trust is a rare gift. Can I trust him   
with my heart once again? I need so much to trust him. I want to love  
him.   
"It's just that I'm in real danger in your arms.... You might up and   
leave one day... Just like that... and leave me all alone. I don't   
know if I can take that....But I don't know if I can let you go.   
I don't know how to stop loving you."  
"You have my heart. I swear I always will love you."  
"Don't say always...Let us take it day by day........"  
I lean closer to him and he wraps his arms around me. It feels so nice  
to be held by him. I love him. I don't know what the future holds for  
us. All I know is that I will love him until the day we part.   
"I love you, Mulder."  
He smiles and whisper:  
"I love you, Scully."  
He takes my hand and together we walk through the rain towards   
the car.  
  
FEEDBACK::::::::PLEASE______j_rothen@yahoo.se 


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